Being Matched From the Adoptive Mom Point of View

The Day We Met

Meeting a birth mom can be one of the most nerve wracking moments. Add into the equation the knowledge that she desires a very open adoption with a lot of contact including weekly visits, and you have a high pressure situation. The desire is to be "the right ones". The tension is high and the stress level mounts as the time nears to meet with the woman who just might be carrying your child. This rates right up there with the most anxiety producing events in one's life. Insecurities are bound to arise knowing that you are being evaluated to decide if you are the right person to mother their child. What will she think of me? Will she like me? What is she expecting the adoptive parents to be like? What is she like? Will she be hard to get along with? Will we have anything in common? Did I clean the house well enough? The questions can be endless. Choosing another person to be a mother to your child is a daunting task. How does one choose who is right for this place of importance in their child's life? It is easy to slip into a state of self criticism when faced with such a momentous occasion, but the reality is that if you aren't right for one another, then you aren't right for this baby either. An open adoption at this level calls for unity and a deeper connection than just surface interest in each other or acquaintance style interactions.

As the day to meet our potential match neared we nervousness set in, but a small voice seemed to calm us. My husband and I were each other's biggest supporters and encouraged one another through this time. There was a realization that we might not be the ones. It came in the strangest of ways. We were approached with an emergency placement. A baby needed to be placed within a few hours. We had the finances, the love, and the ability to take off and pick her up, but deep down we did not have peace to say yes. It was clear that they were being called to another child. It was then that I realized that we might meet a mother only to realize that she was not right for us, or we were not right for her. Hard as it would be, it would be the best. So as we closed in on our meeting time, I had peace. I prayed for the other family who was going to meet her as well. L was going to have to make the hardest decision of her life. I prayed she would seek the Lord and have peace about her decision. No one should have to make this decision at such a young age. My heart ached. That is when I took my eyes off of me and put them on the Lord. He knew best and would lead us down the right path. Peace...

The day came. We met on the front porch for the first time. I embraced L with a hug. I knew in that moment, but didn't allow myself to fully believe it. I braced myself for heartache. The stakes were much to high to have my hopes up. We talked for a few hours trying to get a grasp on each other. It was so comfortable and natural talking to L and the birth father. When they left, my husband and I embraced. I think we both knew, but wouldn't let ourselves speak it. What if she chose the other family? What if she didn't? The reality was that one of our families was going to be heart broken and disappointed. I began to pray that night even more earnestly for the other family. If they were the right ones, then I desired nothing else but that L would choose them. Peace...

The Wait

Waiting to hear if you were chosen is difficult and emotionally exhausting. Time drags by. Each day seems like a week. Doubts intermix with hope and excitement. Dreams of the future with this mother and her child are thwarted by thoughts of rejection and disappointment. It is tough to live in the unkown and have nothing to do but wait. The first few days were grueling. The phone ringing nearly sent my heart into a panic. Email was checked every 5 minutes in hopes that there would be news. No news was almost welcomed because it meant that we had not been rejected. In my heart I knew this was the one. I knew God was in it, and I had a deep sense that she would choose our family. But with each passing day I began to wonder if my senses had become muddled. As the days passed I again sensed the quiet voice of peace. God brought me back to Himself and reminded me of His perfect plan and timing. I rested and waited. Peace...

Chosen

I remember the day. It was ordinary and filled with the typical tasks of home school and caring for the kids. There was no inclination that this day would be anything special. It had been over a week since we met L and we had become used to waiting. I had prepared myself to hear that L had chosen the other family. In fact I had convinced myself it was true. It was my way of coping with the unknown. 

The phone rang. Caller ID said "private number". My heart skipped a beat. This was it! I nearly froze in place not sure if I wanted to answer or not. The message was one I had waited to hear, but I dreaded what it would be. Our social worker in her sweet voice and calm way asked me how I was doing. All I was able to muster was a shaky, "fine." She sensed my uneasiness and continued to deliver the message, L had informed her that morning she had indeed chosen our family to raise her daughter. Oh my lands, I nearly hit the floor. Tears streamed from my eyes and every muscle in my body shook in great relief. Disbelief hit for a split second before sheer joy took me off my feet! Speechless I sobbed into the phone. I believe I mustered a few words of happiness here and there. The kids knew immediately that they were going to have a sister and were overjoyed as well. It was a very special moment that we shared together. As soon as I was able to get off the phone, I called my husband to share the news. He too was speechless. It was a day none of us will ever forget. Our lives were being forged with L and her baby's forever. We had no idea what the adventure we were going on would bring. 

I called L that night. I didn't know what I was going to say. What words should be spoken to a young mother on such an occasion as this? How does a person express the deep gratitude they feel toward the mother of their child? I could only imagine the emotional week she must have had trying to make such a huge decision. I can't really remember what I said or what we talked about, but our conversation went on for close to an hour. It was the beginning to something wonderful. At the time I didn't have even the smallest clue of how wonderful it would be, but it was clearly a good start. The Lord had been good and had led us to each other. I knew He was going to do something great. Peace...

Open Adoption Q & A

Why did you choose to do an open adoption?

Birth mom:

I always had my mind set on being involved in my child's life. I wanted to still be a mother and yet wanted the best for my baby as well. Little did I know this open adoption would bless me in even more ways!

Adoptive mom:

 My husband and I felt that God was calling us to minister to not only a child, but to the mother of that child. We knew that we were being called to invest in the life of a teen mom. As we prayed and waited on the Lord, it became very clear that a very open adoption is what we desired. We wanted our child to know where they came from and who their birth parents were. We never wanted them to feel like they were abandoned or unloved. In our minds an open adoption was the best way to surround our child with love.
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What kinds of things did you worry about when going into the adoption process?

Birth mom: 

I worried about changing my mind or not being prepared to give my little Joy to another family. But they were so patient and kind with me and gave me all the time I needed to say goodbye. (Even though I would be visiting a ton! Even more than first planned out!) My worries and thoughts quickly went away when everything fell beautifully into place by the grace of God.

Adoptive mom: 

We worried that the birth parents wouldn't be stable, or would be struggling with something terrible that we didn't want to bring into our family. I worried that my child would bond more with his or her birth mom than with me. I worried that I wouldn't be able to fill the place as mommy in their life. I was scared that the baby and I wouldn't bond. It worried me that I might not feel the same as I did with my two biological children.
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How did you know that this situation was the right one?

Birth mom: 

Its a little like, "when you know, you just know" type of thing. Meeting my adoption social worker was such a big coincidence in that point of my life, that it was obviously more than just that. Clearly God had set it up. I had very supportive doctors, family, mentors, etc. encouraging me on this path to adoption. No one ever forced me, it was completely my own decision. I had such great joy and peace about it. I knew God was with me every step of the way, and I was on the right path. 

Adoptive mom: 

My husband and I had waited for 3 months and each scenario that we saw was worse than the one before. There were so many heartbreaking situations that we just didn't have peace about. Each one came, tears were shed, and we waited. As time went on we started to realize that we were being called to something very specific. My time as a counselor at teen camp made it very clear that I was made for teen ministry. It was a Monday night when we prayed a very specific prayer that the Lord would lead us to a teen mother who wanted a very open adoption. It was our heart to pour into the life of that young girl and love her like she was also our own. Tuesday night we prayed the same prayer. On Wednesday morning we received "the" email. We knew immediately that this was the one. It was an answer to prayer more specific than one could have imagined. We began to pray constantly for this young mom and her baby. When we met L, I just knew it was her. There was a connection only made by God Himself. I just knew. I loved L and her baby more than I could have imagined and we had just met.
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How did your family feel about having an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

My parents felt it was the best decision for me to place my baby Joy for adoption. They were skeptical over an open adoption, however. They worried it would be confusing for Joy. They thought may C wasn't serious about how open we wanted to be. My little brother wanted me to parent, since then he would have a little niece living with him. No one other than us quite grasped the full concept right away. But thankfully my parents were still supportive. After Joy was born, that is when everyone started to fully realize how God-given this open adoption really was. And now we all couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

Adoptive mom: 

My entire family both immediate and extended was very supportive. We love adding to our family and are very inclusive. A few of my family members met with L before she gave birth. They too fell in love with her and the baby she was carrying. Our children were thrilled and would ask when they would get to see her again after each visit. They too felt a deep connection as if L had always been a part of the family. It was amazing to have such a deep connection with someone we hardly knew. It was confirmation that this was indeed the right situation for all of us.
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How does it feel to share the title of mommy?

Birth mom: 

It is so awesome! I just hope my little Joy won't feel awkward calling me that. I, however, have come to the conclusion that it is all in God's hands, and whatever happens, happens. As far as her calling me mommy, that is her choice. It doesn't change the fact I am still her birth mother and love her. I am confident my daughter and I will always hold a special place in each other's hearts. It is a wonderful feeling to be her mom! :) 

Adoptive  mom: 

I didn't know how I would feel about having my child call another woman mommy, but that was before I knew her birth mom. It is the most natural feeling to call L momy and let her share in this. The way I see it, she shared her child with me, it is only fitting that we share the title of mommy. She is going to be present in our daughter's life as a mother figure and so it is only fitting that she has the title as such. We had discussed different titles, but to be honest, I can't adjust to calling her anything else. It is an honor to share this title with such a wonderful, strong, brave, and self sacrificing woman as L!
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What struggles have you encountered with the adoption?

Birth mom: 

A lot of my peers, classmates, or other pregnant teen moms for example, are not very accepting of my choice. Many think its sad or not showing enough love to my daughter. Some have the attitude that "they could never do that" because they love their child too much. As if to imply that I didn't love my baby!! This is probably the worst judgement I have received. No one wants to hear that they are a bad mom for making a big life changing decision like that! But thankfully, with the help of C and her family, I have learned how to respond appropriately to these remarks and also to learn to focus on the truth; what really matters. No matter what others may think or say, I am at peace in my heart knowing I made the right decision.  

Adoptive mom: 

I think my biggest struggle is with what other people think. It is hard to hear the judgements from other people. The questions I have been asked can be very offensive and intrusive. Over time I have become accustomed to the misunderstandings and fears that others have about the prospect of open adoption, and I am more than happy to answer these questions. Sharing our story has positively impacted the incorrect views and ideas that many have about adoption, particularly open adoption.
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Are you ever jealous of the other mom?

Birth mom: 

I always worried in the beginning that I would be. I thought it would kill me if our daughter didn't call me mom or was more attached to C. But God has a way of making everything work out. He is helping and guiding me through this. I probably have felt a tiny sliver of jealousy before, but I honestly can't remember. We are pretty open and have a good read on each other, which keeps things from getting to that point.

Adoptive mom: 

I was in the very beginning. L was able to experience the pregnancy and had a bond with our daughter before she was born. I felt that I was missing some very important moments with her, but then I realized that this small portion of time could not compare to the moments that L would miss. My jealousy turned into sadness for L. In the hospital, L was the first to hold our daughter. That was my choice. I felt that it was a place only she should have in our daughter's life. It was the hardest thing to do, to keep from scooping up that little bundle of Joy in to my arms, but I knew it was only right and good to allow L to be the first. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but again I remembered what it was that L was going to do and all jealousy disappeared.
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What is your relationship like with the other mom?

Birth mom: 

We are so close! She can be like a mother or a big sister! We have gone through such life changing experiences together, and she has done an amazing thing in both my daughter's life and mine! We can sit and talk for hours on end, but we can also goof around and have fun. We bond through our baby and have an amazing, open relationship. We are totally family.

Adoptive mom: 

She is like a daughter to me. I love her more than words can express. We talk about anything and everything. We connect on a spiritual level and often talk about what God is doing in our lives and in the life of our daughter. I respect L so much for the decisions she has made. She is wise beyond her years. I am so impressed and inspired by her strength, courage, and self sacrifice. She is one of the most amazing woman I know. I find myself being overprotective and concerned about her well being and future. I am so excited to see the woman that L will become as she grows. God blessed our family with L. She has taught me many things in the short time we have known each other. Life for our family just wouldn't be the same without her.
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Do you ever regret doing an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

No, not at all! It has blessed each and every one involved, and I love being able to minister to other birth moms!

Adoptive mom: 

NEVER! In fact we are ready to start the process again. It has been the most rewarding thing that my husband and I have ever done. I cannot say enough good about our open adoption.
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What have you learned through this process?

Birth mom:

I have learned to trust completely in God, because he works in amazingly perfect ways! I have learned the true meaning of love, and it has become so personal to me. I have realized how important family is and to make them a priority. I have learned the act of selflessness and doing what is best for the one I love, not for me. I have learned God is gracious and rewards sacrifice. I am still learning and coming to know how truly blessed we all are. I have grown a lot in many ways, but this whole process is still teaching me many amazing things!

Adoptive mom:

I have learned that God's way is the best way. He knows what He is doing. When He calls us to something, He has already made the way. He goes ahead and paves the way so that we can simply just walk by faith. I have learned that God loves us all so very much. This adoption has shown me God's love in ways I have never known before. He has placed in my heart a desire to love those who are broken. I have realized areas in my life where I did not have the love that the Lord shows to us. This experience has taught me to trust God and walk by faith knowing that He has a plan for my future and a hope. All things will work together for good if I follow Him. I have learned to let go of my own selfish desires to keep my children as my own. The Lord has taught me that they are His and that I am only given the gift of being their mother. He has taught me to share the good things that He has given without reservation. The biggest lesson I have learned is to take the leap of faith trusting that He has me in His hands. I have learned that God's way is the only way to true Joy...

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If you have any questions that you would like to hear our answers to please send us an email. We will do our best to add them to the blog.

Trail of Blessings

Our adoption journey has been filled with so many little confirmations along the way that if I wasn't living the story,  I might be prone to doubting it is true. The first confirmation was our immediate answer to prayer. When we finally sat down and asked the Lord for the specific desires of our heart, He answered, and quickly! To see such a specific answer only two days after we prayed was more than a coincidence. There were too many details to ignore the obvious, God was showing us the way.

The first time we met with L's immediate family, it was as if we had known each other for years. The conversation was natural and things just clicked. It was blessing enough to have a connection with L, but even bigger to have one with her entire family. I am so thankful that our little Joy will know her birth family. I am glad she will never have to wonder where she comes from or doubt that she is loved.

The next confirmation came when we began to discuss the name we would choose for our daughter. From the start, we knew we wanted to choose a name together with L and the birth father. Too many children have a different name from their original birth certificate. We didn't want that for or little Joy, so we decided to name her together. My husband and I had a few names we liked, but our favorite name was a rare name not even found on the baby lists. Its meaning was significant because it meant "open or opening to." Being that or adoption was going to be open, we loved the name. When we approached L with our name, she immediately said it was the one. I was shocked because it was such a unique and rare name. It turned out that L had chosen it as her daughter's name a few years before! The birth father like it too. We all agreed! The middle name, Joy, was also a name I liked before we knew it was L's middle name. Together or daughter's name means "opening to joy." We couldn't have picked a more fitting name for this sweet little bundle of pure Joy. From day three, she has been nothing but smiles.

L and I found we agreed on most everything: breastfeeding, inducing lactation, discipline, dating, and clothing styles for the baby, etc. We quickly figured out that we were on the same page and could discuss just about anything freely and without reservation. This developed a deep bond between us soon into our relationship. Our similarities were uncanny. For our joint baby shower we created a game to see how well or friends and family knew the two of us. We had a difficult time trying to find facts that were unique to each of us because we shared so many of the same interests, likes, dislikes, fears, etc. People have commented on our similar mannerisms and appearance. We have been asked more than once if we are related. We nearly share the same birthday, celebrating one day apart! Through all of this it is obvious that God played a part not only in crossing or paths, but in the smallest details that would make this blended family feel, well, just like family.

There are many more instances that confirmed that this was where the Lord has led us. I imagine we will continue to see those things as the years pass. I look forward to watching this wonderful story unfold, and am excited to go along for the ride!

Meet the birth mommy!

So... to begin this whole blogging thing, I will tell you a little about me and my perspective as a birth mom in the open adoption process. By process, I really mean gift, because that is what this amazing journey has been! A total gift from God! I would not have it any other way. :) It is such a blessing to know my little one is in good hands and getting the best out of life.

So anyways, I am about a little less than a month away from turning 18 now, but when I first found out I was going to be expecting my little angel, I was only 16. As you can only imagine, it was a scary and stressful time. Nothing at that age is really quite certain or stable, at least in my case. I couldn't even afford my license, let alone diapers! Sure there are all these different financial aid stuff for young, single moms, but even if I could have made it financially stable, emotionally and mentally I was sooooo not ready! Yes, of course, I loved my baby with all my heart and thought long and hard on what would be best. It was difficult, and in the beginning I went back and forth on the decision of parenting vs. adoption. I had so many amazing people supporting me in my life. I knew I wanted to be in my daughters life, and show her first hand how much I loved her. I wanted to always be there for her, and be a role model for her. I wanted to be her mother. I wanted her to call me mommy. But the reality of the situation was that I just didn't have the means to give my girl what she needed in life. At least not then. I didn't want her to suffer because of the decisions that rested in my hands. (Big decisions for a 16/17 year old!)

So long story short, I met with probably the world's most amazing adoption worker and we sat down to discuss things. She was a wonderful lady, who didn't persuade me one way or the other. In fact, when I first met her she encouraged me to become very educated about both choices. In fact, pretty much everyone did. To say I have wonderful people in my life is an understatement, but praise God, the glory goes to him completely!

After meeting with my adoption worker, we eventually came to the conclusion adoption was the best choice for my baby.(and me too it turns out!) She noted how I wanted a very (very) open adoption. She gave me some home studies and after meeting with the final two families I had singled out, I had finally found the one!

The minute I first met my baby's now adoptive family, I pretty much knew they were the ones. We clicked right away from day one all the way through the time it came to give them my child.
They were the most patient, loving family and totally right. It was a God given match of families made in heaven! I felt so at peace that they loved my child as much as I did.

So through seeing each other at our best and our worst, through the laughs, smiles, tears, and much more, we have pretty much all become one big happy family! My baby will now have 4 whole sets of grandparents, 2 mommies, and I don't even know how many aunts, uncles and cousins! But that is just the way we like it! People may question us, and I admit it is different. But I have actually discovered there are a lot of other families willing to do open adoptions as well! Which is good news for any other fellow birth moms finding themselves in the same situation as myself.

It is so amazing what happens when you trust in the LORD! So many miracles throughout this whole experience! And a whole lot of love!! :)

Meet the Adoptive Mom

Hi, I am C, the mother to two beautiful biological children and the adoptive mom to a beautiful baby girl. Each of our children are unique blessings from God, and we are thankful for the way each one has impacted our lives. Having the experience of conceiving and birthing our biological children was a wonderful blessing, but adoption has also been just as amazing and wonderful. We have learned and grown as people through each path of adding to our family. We love the blended family that God has created!

Adoption was something that God engraved into my heart as a very young child. I cannot actually recall a time when it wasn't a desire of mine. As a young girl, my dreams of the future included both biological and adoptive children. The truth is that I knew I could love any child the Lord placed in my life.

To me, adoption is a beautiful picture of what God does for us. He adopts us as His sons and daughters when we place our faith in His son. He gave His only Son so that we could become His children. Adoption has taught me more about what this means than anything else in life. It is my greatest joy to be able to offer love freely and openly not only to our daughter, but to her mother and extended family. Our entire family has been transformed and changed by adoption in ways that nothing else could have. Our children have grown in compassion and unconditional love. They have embraced adoption and adore their newly added family members. If I wasn't living in the middle of this story, I would not believe it for myself. God is good and when He leads, it is not always an easy road, but it is one filled with great joy and blessings beyond our asking.

I am thrilled to share this story with you. My deepest desire is to see more adoption stories like ours. The relationships we have built are priceless and have exceeded our expectations. We hope to touch others with our story and shed light on the beauty of open adoption.