Being Matched From the Adoptive Mom Point of View

The Day We Met

Meeting a birth mom can be one of the most nerve wracking moments. Add into the equation the knowledge that she desires a very open adoption with a lot of contact including weekly visits, and you have a high pressure situation. The desire is to be "the right ones". The tension is high and the stress level mounts as the time nears to meet with the woman who just might be carrying your child. This rates right up there with the most anxiety producing events in one's life. Insecurities are bound to arise knowing that you are being evaluated to decide if you are the right person to mother their child. What will she think of me? Will she like me? What is she expecting the adoptive parents to be like? What is she like? Will she be hard to get along with? Will we have anything in common? Did I clean the house well enough? The questions can be endless. Choosing another person to be a mother to your child is a daunting task. How does one choose who is right for this place of importance in their child's life? It is easy to slip into a state of self criticism when faced with such a momentous occasion, but the reality is that if you aren't right for one another, then you aren't right for this baby either. An open adoption at this level calls for unity and a deeper connection than just surface interest in each other or acquaintance style interactions.

As the day to meet our potential match neared we nervousness set in, but a small voice seemed to calm us. My husband and I were each other's biggest supporters and encouraged one another through this time. There was a realization that we might not be the ones. It came in the strangest of ways. We were approached with an emergency placement. A baby needed to be placed within a few hours. We had the finances, the love, and the ability to take off and pick her up, but deep down we did not have peace to say yes. It was clear that they were being called to another child. It was then that I realized that we might meet a mother only to realize that she was not right for us, or we were not right for her. Hard as it would be, it would be the best. So as we closed in on our meeting time, I had peace. I prayed for the other family who was going to meet her as well. L was going to have to make the hardest decision of her life. I prayed she would seek the Lord and have peace about her decision. No one should have to make this decision at such a young age. My heart ached. That is when I took my eyes off of me and put them on the Lord. He knew best and would lead us down the right path. Peace...

The day came. We met on the front porch for the first time. I embraced L with a hug. I knew in that moment, but didn't allow myself to fully believe it. I braced myself for heartache. The stakes were much to high to have my hopes up. We talked for a few hours trying to get a grasp on each other. It was so comfortable and natural talking to L and the birth father. When they left, my husband and I embraced. I think we both knew, but wouldn't let ourselves speak it. What if she chose the other family? What if she didn't? The reality was that one of our families was going to be heart broken and disappointed. I began to pray that night even more earnestly for the other family. If they were the right ones, then I desired nothing else but that L would choose them. Peace...

The Wait

Waiting to hear if you were chosen is difficult and emotionally exhausting. Time drags by. Each day seems like a week. Doubts intermix with hope and excitement. Dreams of the future with this mother and her child are thwarted by thoughts of rejection and disappointment. It is tough to live in the unkown and have nothing to do but wait. The first few days were grueling. The phone ringing nearly sent my heart into a panic. Email was checked every 5 minutes in hopes that there would be news. No news was almost welcomed because it meant that we had not been rejected. In my heart I knew this was the one. I knew God was in it, and I had a deep sense that she would choose our family. But with each passing day I began to wonder if my senses had become muddled. As the days passed I again sensed the quiet voice of peace. God brought me back to Himself and reminded me of His perfect plan and timing. I rested and waited. Peace...

Chosen

I remember the day. It was ordinary and filled with the typical tasks of home school and caring for the kids. There was no inclination that this day would be anything special. It had been over a week since we met L and we had become used to waiting. I had prepared myself to hear that L had chosen the other family. In fact I had convinced myself it was true. It was my way of coping with the unknown. 

The phone rang. Caller ID said "private number". My heart skipped a beat. This was it! I nearly froze in place not sure if I wanted to answer or not. The message was one I had waited to hear, but I dreaded what it would be. Our social worker in her sweet voice and calm way asked me how I was doing. All I was able to muster was a shaky, "fine." She sensed my uneasiness and continued to deliver the message, L had informed her that morning she had indeed chosen our family to raise her daughter. Oh my lands, I nearly hit the floor. Tears streamed from my eyes and every muscle in my body shook in great relief. Disbelief hit for a split second before sheer joy took me off my feet! Speechless I sobbed into the phone. I believe I mustered a few words of happiness here and there. The kids knew immediately that they were going to have a sister and were overjoyed as well. It was a very special moment that we shared together. As soon as I was able to get off the phone, I called my husband to share the news. He too was speechless. It was a day none of us will ever forget. Our lives were being forged with L and her baby's forever. We had no idea what the adventure we were going on would bring. 

I called L that night. I didn't know what I was going to say. What words should be spoken to a young mother on such an occasion as this? How does a person express the deep gratitude they feel toward the mother of their child? I could only imagine the emotional week she must have had trying to make such a huge decision. I can't really remember what I said or what we talked about, but our conversation went on for close to an hour. It was the beginning to something wonderful. At the time I didn't have even the smallest clue of how wonderful it would be, but it was clearly a good start. The Lord had been good and had led us to each other. I knew He was going to do something great. Peace...