Open Adoption Q & A

Why did you choose to do an open adoption?

Birth mom:

I always had my mind set on being involved in my child's life. I wanted to still be a mother and yet wanted the best for my baby as well. Little did I know this open adoption would bless me in even more ways!

Adoptive mom:

 My husband and I felt that God was calling us to minister to not only a child, but to the mother of that child. We knew that we were being called to invest in the life of a teen mom. As we prayed and waited on the Lord, it became very clear that a very open adoption is what we desired. We wanted our child to know where they came from and who their birth parents were. We never wanted them to feel like they were abandoned or unloved. In our minds an open adoption was the best way to surround our child with love.
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What kinds of things did you worry about when going into the adoption process?

Birth mom: 

I worried about changing my mind or not being prepared to give my little Joy to another family. But they were so patient and kind with me and gave me all the time I needed to say goodbye. (Even though I would be visiting a ton! Even more than first planned out!) My worries and thoughts quickly went away when everything fell beautifully into place by the grace of God.

Adoptive mom: 

We worried that the birth parents wouldn't be stable, or would be struggling with something terrible that we didn't want to bring into our family. I worried that my child would bond more with his or her birth mom than with me. I worried that I wouldn't be able to fill the place as mommy in their life. I was scared that the baby and I wouldn't bond. It worried me that I might not feel the same as I did with my two biological children.
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How did you know that this situation was the right one?

Birth mom: 

Its a little like, "when you know, you just know" type of thing. Meeting my adoption social worker was such a big coincidence in that point of my life, that it was obviously more than just that. Clearly God had set it up. I had very supportive doctors, family, mentors, etc. encouraging me on this path to adoption. No one ever forced me, it was completely my own decision. I had such great joy and peace about it. I knew God was with me every step of the way, and I was on the right path. 

Adoptive mom: 

My husband and I had waited for 3 months and each scenario that we saw was worse than the one before. There were so many heartbreaking situations that we just didn't have peace about. Each one came, tears were shed, and we waited. As time went on we started to realize that we were being called to something very specific. My time as a counselor at teen camp made it very clear that I was made for teen ministry. It was a Monday night when we prayed a very specific prayer that the Lord would lead us to a teen mother who wanted a very open adoption. It was our heart to pour into the life of that young girl and love her like she was also our own. Tuesday night we prayed the same prayer. On Wednesday morning we received "the" email. We knew immediately that this was the one. It was an answer to prayer more specific than one could have imagined. We began to pray constantly for this young mom and her baby. When we met L, I just knew it was her. There was a connection only made by God Himself. I just knew. I loved L and her baby more than I could have imagined and we had just met.
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How did your family feel about having an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

My parents felt it was the best decision for me to place my baby Joy for adoption. They were skeptical over an open adoption, however. They worried it would be confusing for Joy. They thought may C wasn't serious about how open we wanted to be. My little brother wanted me to parent, since then he would have a little niece living with him. No one other than us quite grasped the full concept right away. But thankfully my parents were still supportive. After Joy was born, that is when everyone started to fully realize how God-given this open adoption really was. And now we all couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

Adoptive mom: 

My entire family both immediate and extended was very supportive. We love adding to our family and are very inclusive. A few of my family members met with L before she gave birth. They too fell in love with her and the baby she was carrying. Our children were thrilled and would ask when they would get to see her again after each visit. They too felt a deep connection as if L had always been a part of the family. It was amazing to have such a deep connection with someone we hardly knew. It was confirmation that this was indeed the right situation for all of us.
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How does it feel to share the title of mommy?

Birth mom: 

It is so awesome! I just hope my little Joy won't feel awkward calling me that. I, however, have come to the conclusion that it is all in God's hands, and whatever happens, happens. As far as her calling me mommy, that is her choice. It doesn't change the fact I am still her birth mother and love her. I am confident my daughter and I will always hold a special place in each other's hearts. It is a wonderful feeling to be her mom! :) 

Adoptive  mom: 

I didn't know how I would feel about having my child call another woman mommy, but that was before I knew her birth mom. It is the most natural feeling to call L momy and let her share in this. The way I see it, she shared her child with me, it is only fitting that we share the title of mommy. She is going to be present in our daughter's life as a mother figure and so it is only fitting that she has the title as such. We had discussed different titles, but to be honest, I can't adjust to calling her anything else. It is an honor to share this title with such a wonderful, strong, brave, and self sacrificing woman as L!
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What struggles have you encountered with the adoption?

Birth mom: 

A lot of my peers, classmates, or other pregnant teen moms for example, are not very accepting of my choice. Many think its sad or not showing enough love to my daughter. Some have the attitude that "they could never do that" because they love their child too much. As if to imply that I didn't love my baby!! This is probably the worst judgement I have received. No one wants to hear that they are a bad mom for making a big life changing decision like that! But thankfully, with the help of C and her family, I have learned how to respond appropriately to these remarks and also to learn to focus on the truth; what really matters. No matter what others may think or say, I am at peace in my heart knowing I made the right decision.  

Adoptive mom: 

I think my biggest struggle is with what other people think. It is hard to hear the judgements from other people. The questions I have been asked can be very offensive and intrusive. Over time I have become accustomed to the misunderstandings and fears that others have about the prospect of open adoption, and I am more than happy to answer these questions. Sharing our story has positively impacted the incorrect views and ideas that many have about adoption, particularly open adoption.
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Are you ever jealous of the other mom?

Birth mom: 

I always worried in the beginning that I would be. I thought it would kill me if our daughter didn't call me mom or was more attached to C. But God has a way of making everything work out. He is helping and guiding me through this. I probably have felt a tiny sliver of jealousy before, but I honestly can't remember. We are pretty open and have a good read on each other, which keeps things from getting to that point.

Adoptive mom: 

I was in the very beginning. L was able to experience the pregnancy and had a bond with our daughter before she was born. I felt that I was missing some very important moments with her, but then I realized that this small portion of time could not compare to the moments that L would miss. My jealousy turned into sadness for L. In the hospital, L was the first to hold our daughter. That was my choice. I felt that it was a place only she should have in our daughter's life. It was the hardest thing to do, to keep from scooping up that little bundle of Joy in to my arms, but I knew it was only right and good to allow L to be the first. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but again I remembered what it was that L was going to do and all jealousy disappeared.
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What is your relationship like with the other mom?

Birth mom: 

We are so close! She can be like a mother or a big sister! We have gone through such life changing experiences together, and she has done an amazing thing in both my daughter's life and mine! We can sit and talk for hours on end, but we can also goof around and have fun. We bond through our baby and have an amazing, open relationship. We are totally family.

Adoptive mom: 

She is like a daughter to me. I love her more than words can express. We talk about anything and everything. We connect on a spiritual level and often talk about what God is doing in our lives and in the life of our daughter. I respect L so much for the decisions she has made. She is wise beyond her years. I am so impressed and inspired by her strength, courage, and self sacrifice. She is one of the most amazing woman I know. I find myself being overprotective and concerned about her well being and future. I am so excited to see the woman that L will become as she grows. God blessed our family with L. She has taught me many things in the short time we have known each other. Life for our family just wouldn't be the same without her.
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Do you ever regret doing an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

No, not at all! It has blessed each and every one involved, and I love being able to minister to other birth moms!

Adoptive mom: 

NEVER! In fact we are ready to start the process again. It has been the most rewarding thing that my husband and I have ever done. I cannot say enough good about our open adoption.
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What have you learned through this process?

Birth mom:

I have learned to trust completely in God, because he works in amazingly perfect ways! I have learned the true meaning of love, and it has become so personal to me. I have realized how important family is and to make them a priority. I have learned the act of selflessness and doing what is best for the one I love, not for me. I have learned God is gracious and rewards sacrifice. I am still learning and coming to know how truly blessed we all are. I have grown a lot in many ways, but this whole process is still teaching me many amazing things!

Adoptive mom:

I have learned that God's way is the best way. He knows what He is doing. When He calls us to something, He has already made the way. He goes ahead and paves the way so that we can simply just walk by faith. I have learned that God loves us all so very much. This adoption has shown me God's love in ways I have never known before. He has placed in my heart a desire to love those who are broken. I have realized areas in my life where I did not have the love that the Lord shows to us. This experience has taught me to trust God and walk by faith knowing that He has a plan for my future and a hope. All things will work together for good if I follow Him. I have learned to let go of my own selfish desires to keep my children as my own. The Lord has taught me that they are His and that I am only given the gift of being their mother. He has taught me to share the good things that He has given without reservation. The biggest lesson I have learned is to take the leap of faith trusting that He has me in His hands. I have learned that God's way is the only way to true Joy...

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