Open Adoption Video

I wanted to share this video to show a very good example of what the open adoption situation can look like. This is very similar to our own experience.

Do Not be Afraid

Here is a song I found today that sums up what advice I have for anyone going into the unknown where God is calling them. Fear keeps us from what God would love to bless us with. It imprisons us and leaves us paralyzed. We can miss so much of life when trapped by fear. In adoption there are many things that can bring out fear in adoptive parents. Open adoption can be very scary, but I can't begin to express the blessings that have come from diving into the deep waters trusting that God will keep us from going under. If we had chosen to stay in the dark and be afraid, life would not be so full and so bright with all of the people we now call family!

Fear Is Easy, Love Is Hard - Official Lyric Video

10 Months and Counting

Today marks 10 months since our lives were changed by our little Joy. She has changed so much in this time. Busy would be a huge understatement for the active little sweetie who graces our home with squeals and giggles. These days she is into everything. She is on the move and will no doubt be walking soon. We have so enjoyed her and love watching her grow into a little toddler who now asserts herself. She has a personality all her own and a will to match it! She is a social butterfly and loves to make everyone around her smile. We love her to pieces!

In these past 10 months I have learned a thing or two about love. The whole process of opening your heart to love a child who came from another mother was something I knew would cause me to grow as a person. I knew it was possible to love a child who was not genetically mine, but there were always the fears that I wouldn't have the same bond as I do with my biological children. I worried that I wouldn't feel the same connection. I remember feeling such a disconnect while waiting for Joy to be born. It was so strange to be "paper pregnant" as they call it, but have none of the sensations and experiences of physically carrying our baby. I worried that the connection that is created during pregnancy would never be there. The moment she entered the world, all fears disappeared. My heart grew 100x that day! All of the same feelings that I experienced during the delivery of our two biological children were there. I remember being surprised that I was feeling so much the same. It was really an amazing time. L and I were just reminiscing about the day Joy was born. It was such a life changing experience for both of us. We now share a bond because of it that just can't be replicated. Someday we will both share in the birth of our grandchildren when Joy begins a family of her own. What a fantastic picture...all of Joy's big life events will be shared with each other. She will have two mother's to celebrate life's mountains and comfort her in the valleys.

The biggest surprise in the past 10 month is not how my heart grew to fit Joy in the mix of our family, but how much it grew to include L in our lives. I do think it grew in equal amounts for the two of them. There really is no differentiation between how much I love them both. I was not at all prepared to feel so strongly about L. It really is a wonderful surprise and twist on our life story! She is just as much a part of our family as little miss Joy. This blended family just wouldn't be the same without her. We care about her so much and would do just about anything for the girl! Today I am just so thankful for the past 10 months. I am thankful for the lessons that have been learned through the ups and downs of the process of adoption. I am ever grateful to L for choosing life for Joy, and for choosing to allow us to raise this little ray of sunshine. We are blessed to have such a beautiful young woman to share life and precious Joy with.

Happy 10 months little miss Sunshine!!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:14 says,

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

We know that each one of us has written in our DNA a very unique code. It is a code written in mathematical language that defines who we are, what we look like, or eye color, hair color, height, etc. Much of who we are as a person is due to that code.

It is obvious that our two biological children would have a DNA code that would reflect us as their biological parents. Their DNA is a combination of ours. It is only logical to think that they would look like, act like, and share much of our characteristics and personality traits. However, with an adopted child, this isn't the case. Our daughter shares none of our DNA. She has a completely different source of DNA than her sister and brother. In all honesty, this never bothered me when I considered adoption. It didn't matter what color of skin, eyes, hair, etc. that our child  would have. Ethnicity and nationality were of no concern for my husband and I. Likes, dislikes, and personality were not determining factors either. What we did want was what God wants.

Our children were not so willing to jump into the unknown. It worried them to think that their brother or sister might not resemble them. They were scared of how others would react to our family if one of our children was obviously different. Their concerns were surprising, but they mattered, a lot, to God. When our situation description first came, one of the most obvious answers to prayer was the fact that our daughter would be of a similar nationality and physical appearance. Again, let me be clear, this did not matter to my husband and I. It seemed so kind and caring of the Lord to take into account the fears and desires of our children. I remember being struck by the specific requests that He was working out, and the amount of attention to detail that He was demonstrating.

Our daughter doesn't just share some similarities, she fits so perfectly in the mix that complete strangers have taken note. I don't know how many times comments have been made about how much she looks like myself or her brother and sister. In fact, she resembles her grandma and sister so much that people have mistaken their baby pictures for hers! Even L had to look twice.  Because complete strangers notice, I have been able to talk to them about adoption in a very personal way. Some people that might not say anything if our daughter was obviously adopted are very comfortable telling me how much we look alike. God knows what He is doing. I know this is only the tip of the iceberg, and there is yet much more to see.

So back to the fearfully and wonderfully made. Our daughter was woven in such a magnificent way that she would not only resemble her birth family, but her adopted family as well. God knew as He wrote her code that she would be a part of our family. It brings back memories of the prayers we prayed in the beginning of our process. We used to pray for the baby that might not even yet be conceived, and for the mother who might not yet be pregnant. We prayed for protection and for health for them both. We prayed that God would give peace and comfort to the mother. We knew that if a mother was choosing adoption that there must be hardship and difficult times in her life. I remember crying for the mother whom God had placed on my heart, not even knowing her name. I loved her and her baby long before I knew who they were. Perhaps that is why the connection we share is so deep. My heart was woven together with theirs before we even met. The bond we have is nothing short of a miracle.

My encouragement to anyone reading this who is considering adoption or is in the process, pray. Pray often. Pray intentionally. Listen to God's direction and pray boldly the desires that He gives. He guides if we let Him. His way is good, perfect, and full of joy.  Pray for the mother of your child. Pray for your child. Pray for the knitting and weaving of your baby in the womb. Pray without ceasing! Then rest in His hands knowing He cares for you. Rest, watch, and wait in anticipation to see what He will do. May He richly bless you in the wait and draw you closer to Himself.

Her Eyes

Looking into her eyes, I have a constant reminder. The little faces she makes, her little grins and smirks. There is a temptation to believe she is wholly mine, but there are too many reminders. I am grateful for them. The sacrifice that was made by a beautiful and amazing young woman is worthy of constant remembrance. How could I not love the ones who created such a precious life that now lays in my arms? I love her like my own, but know she is not "mine". She never was and will never be. She is the Lord's and has been entrusted to me. It is a privilege granted to be called her mother. There are aspects that only I will fulfill in the role as mother, but there are some that I cannot no matter how hard I try. It is a wonderful thing to know that there will not be missing pieces for her. She won't have to wonder or feel the emptiness of the unknown.

Looking into her sweet little eyes is a beautiful reminder of the miracle that is found in adoption.

Being Matched From the Adoptive Mom Point of View

The Day We Met

Meeting a birth mom can be one of the most nerve wracking moments. Add into the equation the knowledge that she desires a very open adoption with a lot of contact including weekly visits, and you have a high pressure situation. The desire is to be "the right ones". The tension is high and the stress level mounts as the time nears to meet with the woman who just might be carrying your child. This rates right up there with the most anxiety producing events in one's life. Insecurities are bound to arise knowing that you are being evaluated to decide if you are the right person to mother their child. What will she think of me? Will she like me? What is she expecting the adoptive parents to be like? What is she like? Will she be hard to get along with? Will we have anything in common? Did I clean the house well enough? The questions can be endless. Choosing another person to be a mother to your child is a daunting task. How does one choose who is right for this place of importance in their child's life? It is easy to slip into a state of self criticism when faced with such a momentous occasion, but the reality is that if you aren't right for one another, then you aren't right for this baby either. An open adoption at this level calls for unity and a deeper connection than just surface interest in each other or acquaintance style interactions.

As the day to meet our potential match neared we nervousness set in, but a small voice seemed to calm us. My husband and I were each other's biggest supporters and encouraged one another through this time. There was a realization that we might not be the ones. It came in the strangest of ways. We were approached with an emergency placement. A baby needed to be placed within a few hours. We had the finances, the love, and the ability to take off and pick her up, but deep down we did not have peace to say yes. It was clear that they were being called to another child. It was then that I realized that we might meet a mother only to realize that she was not right for us, or we were not right for her. Hard as it would be, it would be the best. So as we closed in on our meeting time, I had peace. I prayed for the other family who was going to meet her as well. L was going to have to make the hardest decision of her life. I prayed she would seek the Lord and have peace about her decision. No one should have to make this decision at such a young age. My heart ached. That is when I took my eyes off of me and put them on the Lord. He knew best and would lead us down the right path. Peace...

The day came. We met on the front porch for the first time. I embraced L with a hug. I knew in that moment, but didn't allow myself to fully believe it. I braced myself for heartache. The stakes were much to high to have my hopes up. We talked for a few hours trying to get a grasp on each other. It was so comfortable and natural talking to L and the birth father. When they left, my husband and I embraced. I think we both knew, but wouldn't let ourselves speak it. What if she chose the other family? What if she didn't? The reality was that one of our families was going to be heart broken and disappointed. I began to pray that night even more earnestly for the other family. If they were the right ones, then I desired nothing else but that L would choose them. Peace...

The Wait

Waiting to hear if you were chosen is difficult and emotionally exhausting. Time drags by. Each day seems like a week. Doubts intermix with hope and excitement. Dreams of the future with this mother and her child are thwarted by thoughts of rejection and disappointment. It is tough to live in the unkown and have nothing to do but wait. The first few days were grueling. The phone ringing nearly sent my heart into a panic. Email was checked every 5 minutes in hopes that there would be news. No news was almost welcomed because it meant that we had not been rejected. In my heart I knew this was the one. I knew God was in it, and I had a deep sense that she would choose our family. But with each passing day I began to wonder if my senses had become muddled. As the days passed I again sensed the quiet voice of peace. God brought me back to Himself and reminded me of His perfect plan and timing. I rested and waited. Peace...

Chosen

I remember the day. It was ordinary and filled with the typical tasks of home school and caring for the kids. There was no inclination that this day would be anything special. It had been over a week since we met L and we had become used to waiting. I had prepared myself to hear that L had chosen the other family. In fact I had convinced myself it was true. It was my way of coping with the unknown. 

The phone rang. Caller ID said "private number". My heart skipped a beat. This was it! I nearly froze in place not sure if I wanted to answer or not. The message was one I had waited to hear, but I dreaded what it would be. Our social worker in her sweet voice and calm way asked me how I was doing. All I was able to muster was a shaky, "fine." She sensed my uneasiness and continued to deliver the message, L had informed her that morning she had indeed chosen our family to raise her daughter. Oh my lands, I nearly hit the floor. Tears streamed from my eyes and every muscle in my body shook in great relief. Disbelief hit for a split second before sheer joy took me off my feet! Speechless I sobbed into the phone. I believe I mustered a few words of happiness here and there. The kids knew immediately that they were going to have a sister and were overjoyed as well. It was a very special moment that we shared together. As soon as I was able to get off the phone, I called my husband to share the news. He too was speechless. It was a day none of us will ever forget. Our lives were being forged with L and her baby's forever. We had no idea what the adventure we were going on would bring. 

I called L that night. I didn't know what I was going to say. What words should be spoken to a young mother on such an occasion as this? How does a person express the deep gratitude they feel toward the mother of their child? I could only imagine the emotional week she must have had trying to make such a huge decision. I can't really remember what I said or what we talked about, but our conversation went on for close to an hour. It was the beginning to something wonderful. At the time I didn't have even the smallest clue of how wonderful it would be, but it was clearly a good start. The Lord had been good and had led us to each other. I knew He was going to do something great. Peace...

Open Adoption Q & A

Why did you choose to do an open adoption?

Birth mom:

I always had my mind set on being involved in my child's life. I wanted to still be a mother and yet wanted the best for my baby as well. Little did I know this open adoption would bless me in even more ways!

Adoptive mom:

 My husband and I felt that God was calling us to minister to not only a child, but to the mother of that child. We knew that we were being called to invest in the life of a teen mom. As we prayed and waited on the Lord, it became very clear that a very open adoption is what we desired. We wanted our child to know where they came from and who their birth parents were. We never wanted them to feel like they were abandoned or unloved. In our minds an open adoption was the best way to surround our child with love.
..................................................................................................................................................................

What kinds of things did you worry about when going into the adoption process?

Birth mom: 

I worried about changing my mind or not being prepared to give my little Joy to another family. But they were so patient and kind with me and gave me all the time I needed to say goodbye. (Even though I would be visiting a ton! Even more than first planned out!) My worries and thoughts quickly went away when everything fell beautifully into place by the grace of God.

Adoptive mom: 

We worried that the birth parents wouldn't be stable, or would be struggling with something terrible that we didn't want to bring into our family. I worried that my child would bond more with his or her birth mom than with me. I worried that I wouldn't be able to fill the place as mommy in their life. I was scared that the baby and I wouldn't bond. It worried me that I might not feel the same as I did with my two biological children.
..................................................................................................................................................................

How did you know that this situation was the right one?

Birth mom: 

Its a little like, "when you know, you just know" type of thing. Meeting my adoption social worker was such a big coincidence in that point of my life, that it was obviously more than just that. Clearly God had set it up. I had very supportive doctors, family, mentors, etc. encouraging me on this path to adoption. No one ever forced me, it was completely my own decision. I had such great joy and peace about it. I knew God was with me every step of the way, and I was on the right path. 

Adoptive mom: 

My husband and I had waited for 3 months and each scenario that we saw was worse than the one before. There were so many heartbreaking situations that we just didn't have peace about. Each one came, tears were shed, and we waited. As time went on we started to realize that we were being called to something very specific. My time as a counselor at teen camp made it very clear that I was made for teen ministry. It was a Monday night when we prayed a very specific prayer that the Lord would lead us to a teen mother who wanted a very open adoption. It was our heart to pour into the life of that young girl and love her like she was also our own. Tuesday night we prayed the same prayer. On Wednesday morning we received "the" email. We knew immediately that this was the one. It was an answer to prayer more specific than one could have imagined. We began to pray constantly for this young mom and her baby. When we met L, I just knew it was her. There was a connection only made by God Himself. I just knew. I loved L and her baby more than I could have imagined and we had just met.
...................................................................................................................................................................

How did your family feel about having an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

My parents felt it was the best decision for me to place my baby Joy for adoption. They were skeptical over an open adoption, however. They worried it would be confusing for Joy. They thought may C wasn't serious about how open we wanted to be. My little brother wanted me to parent, since then he would have a little niece living with him. No one other than us quite grasped the full concept right away. But thankfully my parents were still supportive. After Joy was born, that is when everyone started to fully realize how God-given this open adoption really was. And now we all couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

Adoptive mom: 

My entire family both immediate and extended was very supportive. We love adding to our family and are very inclusive. A few of my family members met with L before she gave birth. They too fell in love with her and the baby she was carrying. Our children were thrilled and would ask when they would get to see her again after each visit. They too felt a deep connection as if L had always been a part of the family. It was amazing to have such a deep connection with someone we hardly knew. It was confirmation that this was indeed the right situation for all of us.
.................................................................................................................................................................

How does it feel to share the title of mommy?

Birth mom: 

It is so awesome! I just hope my little Joy won't feel awkward calling me that. I, however, have come to the conclusion that it is all in God's hands, and whatever happens, happens. As far as her calling me mommy, that is her choice. It doesn't change the fact I am still her birth mother and love her. I am confident my daughter and I will always hold a special place in each other's hearts. It is a wonderful feeling to be her mom! :) 

Adoptive  mom: 

I didn't know how I would feel about having my child call another woman mommy, but that was before I knew her birth mom. It is the most natural feeling to call L momy and let her share in this. The way I see it, she shared her child with me, it is only fitting that we share the title of mommy. She is going to be present in our daughter's life as a mother figure and so it is only fitting that she has the title as such. We had discussed different titles, but to be honest, I can't adjust to calling her anything else. It is an honor to share this title with such a wonderful, strong, brave, and self sacrificing woman as L!
..................................................................................................................................................................

What struggles have you encountered with the adoption?

Birth mom: 

A lot of my peers, classmates, or other pregnant teen moms for example, are not very accepting of my choice. Many think its sad or not showing enough love to my daughter. Some have the attitude that "they could never do that" because they love their child too much. As if to imply that I didn't love my baby!! This is probably the worst judgement I have received. No one wants to hear that they are a bad mom for making a big life changing decision like that! But thankfully, with the help of C and her family, I have learned how to respond appropriately to these remarks and also to learn to focus on the truth; what really matters. No matter what others may think or say, I am at peace in my heart knowing I made the right decision.  

Adoptive mom: 

I think my biggest struggle is with what other people think. It is hard to hear the judgements from other people. The questions I have been asked can be very offensive and intrusive. Over time I have become accustomed to the misunderstandings and fears that others have about the prospect of open adoption, and I am more than happy to answer these questions. Sharing our story has positively impacted the incorrect views and ideas that many have about adoption, particularly open adoption.
................................................................................................................................................................

Are you ever jealous of the other mom?

Birth mom: 

I always worried in the beginning that I would be. I thought it would kill me if our daughter didn't call me mom or was more attached to C. But God has a way of making everything work out. He is helping and guiding me through this. I probably have felt a tiny sliver of jealousy before, but I honestly can't remember. We are pretty open and have a good read on each other, which keeps things from getting to that point.

Adoptive mom: 

I was in the very beginning. L was able to experience the pregnancy and had a bond with our daughter before she was born. I felt that I was missing some very important moments with her, but then I realized that this small portion of time could not compare to the moments that L would miss. My jealousy turned into sadness for L. In the hospital, L was the first to hold our daughter. That was my choice. I felt that it was a place only she should have in our daughter's life. It was the hardest thing to do, to keep from scooping up that little bundle of Joy in to my arms, but I knew it was only right and good to allow L to be the first. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but again I remembered what it was that L was going to do and all jealousy disappeared.
..................................................................................................................................................................

What is your relationship like with the other mom?

Birth mom: 

We are so close! She can be like a mother or a big sister! We have gone through such life changing experiences together, and she has done an amazing thing in both my daughter's life and mine! We can sit and talk for hours on end, but we can also goof around and have fun. We bond through our baby and have an amazing, open relationship. We are totally family.

Adoptive mom: 

She is like a daughter to me. I love her more than words can express. We talk about anything and everything. We connect on a spiritual level and often talk about what God is doing in our lives and in the life of our daughter. I respect L so much for the decisions she has made. She is wise beyond her years. I am so impressed and inspired by her strength, courage, and self sacrifice. She is one of the most amazing woman I know. I find myself being overprotective and concerned about her well being and future. I am so excited to see the woman that L will become as she grows. God blessed our family with L. She has taught me many things in the short time we have known each other. Life for our family just wouldn't be the same without her.
...................................................................................................................................................................

Do you ever regret doing an open adoption?

Birth mom: 

No, not at all! It has blessed each and every one involved, and I love being able to minister to other birth moms!

Adoptive mom: 

NEVER! In fact we are ready to start the process again. It has been the most rewarding thing that my husband and I have ever done. I cannot say enough good about our open adoption.
..................................................................................................................................................................

What have you learned through this process?

Birth mom:

I have learned to trust completely in God, because he works in amazingly perfect ways! I have learned the true meaning of love, and it has become so personal to me. I have realized how important family is and to make them a priority. I have learned the act of selflessness and doing what is best for the one I love, not for me. I have learned God is gracious and rewards sacrifice. I am still learning and coming to know how truly blessed we all are. I have grown a lot in many ways, but this whole process is still teaching me many amazing things!

Adoptive mom:

I have learned that God's way is the best way. He knows what He is doing. When He calls us to something, He has already made the way. He goes ahead and paves the way so that we can simply just walk by faith. I have learned that God loves us all so very much. This adoption has shown me God's love in ways I have never known before. He has placed in my heart a desire to love those who are broken. I have realized areas in my life where I did not have the love that the Lord shows to us. This experience has taught me to trust God and walk by faith knowing that He has a plan for my future and a hope. All things will work together for good if I follow Him. I have learned to let go of my own selfish desires to keep my children as my own. The Lord has taught me that they are His and that I am only given the gift of being their mother. He has taught me to share the good things that He has given without reservation. The biggest lesson I have learned is to take the leap of faith trusting that He has me in His hands. I have learned that God's way is the only way to true Joy...

..................................................................................................................................................................

If you have any questions that you would like to hear our answers to please send us an email. We will do our best to add them to the blog.